Thursday, August 11, 2005


French President Jacques Chirac reacts caustically to the suggestion France is losing its "Global War on Evil" as the American insurgency begins to dampen French public opinion. With his poll numbers steadily decreasing and with nearly 1,800 French troops killed and another 13,000 seriously wounded by American insurgents, the French public, media and even France's "puppet" parliament are beginning to question Chirac’s motives and judgment concerning his decision back in March 2003 to invade the US. France did so in order free the American people from the brutal illegitimate regime of then President George W. Bush and to bring French style democracy to the American people. Termed Operation American Freedom, French and German troops, cheered on by compliant embedded French journalists, invaded the US to overturn what Chirac called, again, “the brutal, illegitimate regime of George W. Bush.” Citing the dangers Bush's regime posed to the French people, and emphasizing that America had over the years attacked its neighbors in Grenada, Panama and Haiti as well as Vietnam, Korea, Iraq, Somalia, Serbia, and Afghanistan, Chirac grew weary of Bush's incessant violations of UN Security Council resolutions. He removed French and German weapons inspectors from US cites and launched a massive land, sea and air assault appropriately called le shock et l'awe. “With his 400 billion dollar [ US ] military budget, Bush is amassing the most lethal chemical, biological and nuclear weapons of mass destruction ever known to mankind,” warned Chirac. The danger these weapons posed to France as well as Bush's links to such terrorist organizations as Israel 's Mossad and Britain ’s MI6 required immediate action. "We must fight evil over there so we don't have to fight it over here," he said. Referring to the United Kingdom and Israel as part of the "axis of evil,” they too remain in the crosshairs of France 's divinely inspired "global war on evil." Former American President George W. Bush, you'll recall, was found cowering in a spider hole outside his ranch in Crawford , Texas , back in December 2003. Now in an undisclosed location awaiting trial, the former tyrant, who executed his own people while governor of Texas with lethal chemical injections, was recently photographed standing his underwear in a dingy prison cell. The picture was sold to a French tabloid and circulated around the world on the Internet. The French public delighted at the spectacle of their former friend, now foe, the diabolical tyrant Bush, in his briefs. But most Americans, even those who hated the man, felt ashamed and humiliated at the sight of their former president, however bad he was, photographed thus. Chirac chuckled. As the old Bob Dylan song goes: "Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked." But suddenly the French leader became quite agitated. “These American insurgents who attack French liberation forces from les états rouges [the red states] are rebels, cowards and terrorists who can't stand freedom,” he said angrily. “Most of les états bleu,” he reminded us, “are mostly peaceful, showering the French and German coalition forces with truffles and flowers and presenting little if any resistance.” Then in January 2005 the Americans bravely went to the polls, from Florida to Ohio , and elected a government sympathetic to the French and German occupation. Americans opposed to it mock the government with words like “ Vichy ” and “Quisling” and refer to their fellow countrymen as “liberals,” “collaborators” and “traitors.” To the astonishment of Chirac, American insurgents attack those of their fellow countrymen who support the French occupation

French and German troops, too, have been suffering an increase in terrorist attacks by Judeo-Christian Crusaders (Jihadists) opposed to France 's occupation of the US and Chirac's global war on evil. Chirac claims foreign evildoers from Canada and Mexico are crossing the border and committing terrorist strikes against French and German troops. "Canadians are foreigners and are in the US illegally," he emphasizes. To the south, Mexican mastermind, the phantom “Houdini" Zarqawi, who has more lives than a cat, wounded more often than the Monty Python Black Knight and continuing to foil French troops at every rendezvous, has escaped capture once again. But Chirac insists he will be brought to justice, “either dead or alive at a time and place of our choosing and we will not cease until our mission is accomplished. France and Germany ,” notes Chirac, “will not sit idly while foreigners from Canada and Mexico infiltrate the US and commit terror alongside the American rebels in the Dixie Triangle.” The Dixie Triangle extends from Virginia to Texas , and in 1860 seceded from the US , then also “preferring slavery to freedom,” quips Chirac. Germany, part of the coalition that invaded the US in 2003 and remaining in the US as a liberation force, sought world sympathy as well when religious Christian and Jewish extremists in Berlin, opposed to the French and German occupation of the US, launched coordinated suicide (some call them homicide) terrorist attacks on German subways and buses. Killing more than 50 German citizens and wounding hundreds more, “these Christian and Jewish extremists are murderers who will not shake the resolve of the German people,” notes German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder. Together Chirac and Schroeder condemn these Christian and Jewish fundamentalists as cowards and murderers. Christian and Jewish groups in the US claim the suicide bombings were in retaliation for atrocities France and Germany committed against Christians and Jews in past and the Franco-German occupation of the US today. Most decent people worldwide deplore the loss of innocent lives taken in these suicide attacks but feel the unprovoked strike by France and Germany on the US created the climate that breeds desperate acts by overtly religious Christian and Jewish extremists. "These Americans are religious extremists who hate our values, our traditions, our culture and way of life,” says Schroeder. “This is the same evil which was inflicted on Dresden , Hamburg and Cologne in 1945. Then, too, evildoers terrorized our people with bombs. They hated us then for wanting to bring freedom to the people of Eastern Europe as they do today for wanting to bring freedom to the US .” Chirac, who loves to give nicknames, refers to Schroeder as his ”German Shepherd." But world opinion has no sympathy for the Germans and French, believing America never posed a threat, and that they deliberately exaggerated the danger US weapons posed to France, Germany , their neighbors and allies. Most world opinion is incredulous at their case for sympathy, stating this is an example of the oppressor claiming to be the victim. With the word "B" word, Bourbier (quagmire), creeping into the French psyche, Chirac has now gone on the offensive to crack down, kill or capture, or as more aptly stated, bring to justice those "who can't stand freedom" by taking away their freedom.

Captured Americans as well as foreign-born terrorists from Canada and Mexico are confined at New York 's notorious Abu Attica prison or sent to Devil's Island in the beautiful Caribbean . Nearly 10,000 American, Canadian and Mexican criminals, terrorists, insurgents and general evildoers, especially those with suspected ties to the terrorist group "The Base," are detained “humanely in accordance with international law,” notes the French president. “They might be subjected to some pranks and college like hazing as a good natured means to obtain important information for security purposes,” a defensive Chirac adds. For example: American detainees are required to wear French lace panties on their heads, eat escargot and frog legs, and are routinely kidded about their sexual "shortcomings" by French female prison guards. Chirac denies reports of electrical shock treatment being applied to the genitals of male prisoners in Abu Attica. The denial has merit, for there is no longer any electricity (or clean water for that matter) in the broken, ravaged, late, once great United States . It has also been reported French prison guards urinated on a Bible and flushed a Torah down the toilet at the Abu Attica and Devil's Island detention facilities. When confronted with this accusation, Chirac noted the prank of holding prisoners’ heads in toilet bowls and suggested some "tinkle" may have splashed on a Bible while French troops were urinating on American prisoners, “but these are not violations of the Geneva Convention and are necessary interrogation tactics to succeed in the global war on evil," he explained. A sympathetic looking Chirac maintains the French would never flush the Torah down the toilet or urinate on the Bible. “What do you think we are? Barbarians?”


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