Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Empathy lost

I saw her again today. This time she stopped, smiled and said hello. I tried not showing the childish resentment that gripped me. I managed to chat amiably for a while but the whole conversation was edged with fakeness and over-politeness which, I am sure must have given me away.
In the end it is not even her specifically I feel resentment towards. It is a general feeling of malaise vis a vis people in general. Every day I seem to drift further apart from humanity. Every day I feel yet more distanced and alien. It is not too bad when dealing with formal interactions. I even manage to appear jovial and extroverted. However, as soon as the contact involves a minimum of emotion I loose all empathy and start feeling nothing but irritation and a deep sense of disappointment. What really gets to me is the constant rollercoaster of hope followed by disenchantment that seems to permeate my social relationships. I meet someone new and interesting, convince myself of a non existent karmic bond and then feel disappointed when this bond proves to be, in effect, a figment of my imagination. To be honest, I am the only one to blame. Due to the fact that I change city, and often country, every couple of years, I feel a need to connect with people quickly, as though fearing that, caught up in the rush, I am somehow missing out on a series of wonderful relationships.

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