Monday, October 17, 2005

The Scream

I seem to have a slight problem with all this living stuff. I keep getting the sensation that life is a strange joke that I do not understand. I laugh, because everyone else is doing it but I still get that feeling of being left out, that confusing feeling that I am the only one who doesn’t get the joke.
It is not that life is that unpleasant. It is, most of time, quite interesting and varied. I cannot complain that I have had a bad life either. I have always had enough money, enough food and a nice place to sleep. I am even a moderately good looking and healthy bloke. I am certainly not stupid and have even been called charming on occasion.
Simply, I always have this feeling in the back of my head that something isn’t quite right. A strange bitter after taste that turns even the most innocent occurrence somewhat sad and pointless. However hard I try I fail to identify a point to it all. It all seems so ridiculous and irrelevant.
I can spend fascinating hours analyzing a single marvelous thought, I can loose myself in the stunning beauty of sunshine coming through a window and refracting through the dust, I can feel utterly awed by a book, a tune or a word. I am also quite capable of enjoying mundane things like a friendly conversation, a joke or couple of beers. And yet when it comes to all that lies in between I am lost.
I often get this feeling that I am somehow wasting my life. That all the things I do, all my petty concerns, are in effect completely irrelevant. I catch myself fantasizing about doing something so pointless and brave, like running full speed in to a battle, like standing in front of an invading tank, like sacrificing my life for some half baked cause.
If you think about it, our lives compared to the lives of all the people in the world, all the people who have ever lived, all the people who will ever live, are nothing. Our lives compared to the millions of years that our planet has been in existence, compared to all the millions of planets in our galaxy, compared to all the galaxies in the universe, are practically irrelevant.
I get this feeling that not only is my life irrelevant but, also, that life in general is quite pointless. I have to come to think that modern society worsens this feeling. We have been granted freedom but at the expense of its meaning. We no longer have to fight in order to survive, our only purpose being to consume. I think that I would quite like to go live in the country side and live as a hermit alone and living off the land. I would like to see if by living in close contact with nature maybe I might gain a slightly healthier perspective on life. Maybe if I had something real on which to worry, like weather the storm will ruin my harvest, I might stop worrying on that which I have no answer for. Like Kundera says in his book “The unbearable lightness of being”:

“The absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar in to the heights, take leave of earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant.”

2 Comments:

Blogger Sheila said...

Your thoughts of being lost and your life being irrelevant are not uncommon. From a certain point of view you are probably right.

However, you are here. You are a member of this society. What you need to be able to answer is, what role would you like to play in society? You can go on as life is meaningless, or you can go on as life is full of meaning...from the dust dancing in the sun to making a sad friend smile to a seed germinating in the spring.

I have been called overly optimistic from time to time ;)

3:46 pm  
Blogger Wonko the Sad Clown said...

And I have been called overly melodramatic. ;)

12:32 pm  

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